Sunday, January 29, 2012

So Who Would You Like to Send to the Moon?

Newt Gingrich frightened even Republicans this week with his plans to develop a colony on the moon by 2020.  He had obviously given this a lot of thought, because he indicated that the colony would consist of 13,000 people and would be named the 51st state.

What he didn't say was how he would choose those 13,000.  Would it be a penal colony?  Would he snatch up vagrants on the streets?  Arizona's illegal immigrants?

I think he should have a contest and allow people to choose who they would like to send to the moon.  The entries with the best reasons for removing this person from earth would win.

So who would you like to send to the moon?  Your Boss?  Your in-laws?  That girl at the bank who pretends she doesn't see you and keeps her head down writing fictitious numbers on a piece of paper while you stand in line?  (I have issues)

If you polled Canadians I'm sure the top answer would be Stephen Harper.  But I don't think that would work.  He'd have to take along his camera crew to make sure that his images were correctly airbrushed.  It's difficult to say how good the lighting is on the moon.

Then he'd need his videographers, his hairstylist and his enormous communications team to ensure that he didn't say something really stupid.  He has so many of them, that he now has to tie them together to keep them from bumping into each other.  Too many unexplained bruises.

Harper would also insist that the Koch Brothers accompanied him.  Before long they'd start drilling into the moon so they could monopolize the cheese market.  The media would ignore the damage while chasing the glittering moon rock.

And of course he'd have to be boss of this new colony, even if there was someone else better qualified.  He'd just run attack ads against his opponent, calling her a gay loving, gun hating, radical, feminist, terrorist loving liberal.  The other colonists would get so sick of hearing it that they'd refuse to vote at all, so he could then be king.

However, King Steve would never forget those behind his success.  The American conservatives.  As reward he would make sure that all the cheese was piped back to them, even if it meant starvation for "his people".

Wait a minute .... pro-American conservative? .... 51st state? .... self appointed despot?

They could call the new colony CANADA!

1 comment:

  1. I've been saying for years they have Canada in mind as the 51st state, Emily, and I think it's almost a done deal, but the Democrats don't want to take over our country. Get the newts and other reptublicans in power, however, and they'll forget all about the moon. Canada is much closer and has been proven to be full of conservative voters. What more could they want?