"Garry Breitkreuz, Reform Party ... er Alliance Party .... What's that Biff? Oh Yeah, Conservative Party MP has uncovered a secret report from the RCMP revealing that the Mounties have a plan to confiscate all guns in the country.
Biff Buffoon: "Yes folks. Remember you heard it here first. "
"So Janie, what do you make of this? What are they going to do with all those guns?"
Janie Taber: I don't know Biff, but Dimitri Soudas has told Fox News that there is a "leftie" plot to melt the guns down to make beds for the homeless.
Biff Buffoon: "That's shocking Janie. That's going to take an awful lot of metal."
Janie Taber: "We will have Mr. Breitkreuz in the studio right after this important message from Hair Club for Men. Snicker. Nothing personal Garry. Snicker.
----- Break for butt scratching ---------
Janie Taber: "So Garry. You obviously have some concerns about this."
Garry Breitkreuz: "Yes Janie, I do. You might want to ask yourself:
Why are the police chiefs so strident in their quest to keep the registry in place? They won’t admit it, but it appears they don’t want Canadians to own guns. (audible gasp) To that end, they need a database that will help them locate and seize those firearms as soon as a licence or registration expires.Biff Buffoon: "I know. All of my friends own at least a dozen guns, and they are always responsible. They never leave loaded guns near an open flame, and when their children play with them, they make sure that they only point them at varmints or kids they don't like. It's never too early to learn."
It’s about public control. The registry can’t reduce crime because the criminals don’t register their guns or buy licences. Responsible gun owners who have taken firearms safety, handling, and storage courses are the only ones adversely affected by it. But they are the good guys!"
Janie Taber: "Garry, you've had battles with the cops before haven't you?"
Garry Breitkreuz: "Yes Janie. In 1999, I led a large group of ... let's say, gun enthusiasts, on a march up Parliament Hill. I later found out that the RCMP officers had four .308 rifles and seventeen sub-machine guns on the Hill that day."
Janie Taber: "They did? Just because there was a large group of gun nuts running around the Parliament Buildings? Why that's against your civil rights."
Garry Breitkreuz: "My point exactly. My legislative assistant, Logan Day, took notes and when his pappy had the chance he limited the scope of the gun registry and tried to starve the beast. Why even his grand pappy was on our side. When he was with a Western separatist party, Neo-Nazi lawyer Doug Christie let him write a piece in his paper. (Breitkreuz wipes a tear from his eye) Such a wonderful family. Logan has kept the bullet that was removed from his pappy, the day he shot himself in the foot."
Biff Buffoon: "Canadian firearms dealer Bruce Montague, the man who was arrested for several firearms violations, including unregistered guns and unsafe storage practices, makes an excellent point."
The major slaughters of innocents in history could have been prevented if the populace were armed. I’m convinced that thoughtful Canadians will learn from history. Otherwise we’re doomed to repeat it.Garry Breitkreuz: "He's right Biff. If all Canadians would simply carry a loaded gun, we could avoid senseless slaughters."
Janie Taber: "Did you just shoot my cameraman?"
Garry Breitkreuz: "He was looking at me funny. I don't like that"
Janie Taber: "But that's the third time this week."
Biff Buffoon: "Well that's all for now folks. Stay tuned. We will talking to an 89 year woman who is carrying twins, and claims that the father is Jimmy Hoffa. Should the children be made to disappear? Take our poll."
Janie Taber: "Thank you for coming Garry. Always a pleasure. Now give me a hug."
"Whoa! Is that a gun in your pocket are you just happy to see me?"
Garry Breitkreuz: "It's a gun"